The Distant Year of 2003

So yeah, my first post is late. I wrote the whole thing and then forgot the part where you actually put it on the blog. Oops. But hey, now our two readers (who may both be you, actually) won’t have artificially high expectations.

Without further ado, the quote of the day is:

Face babies!

It is the distant year of 2003, and humanity is traversing the galaxy, boldly going nowhere. Christopher, a brave space traveler, is heading along with the crew of his spaceship to a brand new planet, known as T0TNG4LCN III. (NASA was not feeling particularly creative with names that day, and decided to let the new intern keyboard mash some ideas.)

After many days of traveling, Chris arrived on this distant land and, as was his patriotic duty, stuck a flag in the ground. “One small step for a man,” he said. “One small step for mankind.” It was not a giant leap, for he was by no means the first to land a spaceship on a faraway planet. He was just the first person on this particular faraway planet.

Or so he thought.

Actually, he discovered after about three seconds that he and the inhabitants of his spaceship were not, in fact, the only living beings on this planet. He was approached by a life form which, as is typical of humanoids from outer space, looked exactly like a human but with one major difference. In this case, that difference was that it had a pouch which reminded Chris absurdly of a kangaroo. The creature approached Chris and, seeing his flag and coming to the only logical conclusion, began giving him advice about how to build a better clothesline. Inexplicably, this advice was in English. Equally inexplicably, all the inhabitants of 2003 (the distant future) are familiar with the slang used at the time you are reading this, providing that the slang is prefaced with “as they used to say in ancient times on Earth.” So Chris stared in only mild confusion as the alien finished its rant with the sentence “as they would have said in ancient times on Earth, wtf kind of clothesline is that?”

“Uh,” Chris answered, “The flag kind?”

“What’s a flag?” the creature wondered.

“It’s… a… well… it’s a flag,” Chris finished rather unimpressively.

This, it seemed, was the creature’s cue to start rambling on again. “Yes, so I’d gathered. But that’s not a particularly helpful answer, since the problem is that I don’t know what flag actually means. It’s a flag, I got that much. And it sure does look… flaggy. Probably. Why do you have a flag, anyway? If I was wandering around in a spaceship, I’d be carrying something more important than a flag. Unless flags are important. Are flags important? What’s your name, by the way? Do you have names? Mine’s Jane.”

There was an awkward pause while Chris’s mind processed that the creature — who he supposed he should start referring to as Jane — had stopped talking and was waiting expectantly for him to respond. Somehow, “Chris” was the only answer he was able to get out of his mouth.

“A flag is for Chris?” Jane asked.

“My name is Chris.”

“Oh. Hello, Chris. Could you tell me what a flag—” Jane broke off, coughing.

“Uh. Are you okay?” Chris asked, fully aware that he was not being particularly helpful.

“Fine, fine.” Jane waved a dismissive hand as she coughed again. “More than fine, actually, in a minute I’ll be thrilled.”

“Because you’ll have stopped coughing?” Chris guessed.

“Because I’m having a baby, of course!” Jane announced excitedly.

“You… what?”

“How do they reproduce on your planet?” she wondered as she dropped to the ground, looking a bit like she was going to throw up. Chris thought he should probably say something, but he wasn’t sure what, so he simply stared at Jane as a small, squirming… something… emerged from her face. She carefully tucked it into the kangaroo-like pouch Chris had noticed earlier.

“Is… is that your baby?” Chris asked.

“Do you see anything else around here that looks like a baby?” Jane countered as she stood back up. Chris had to admit that she had a point, but he was not to be deterred from his questions.

“You just had a baby. From your face,” he stated.

“Yes?” was Jane’s only response. She seemed more confused by Chris’s confusion than anything else.

“Your planet has face babies?” he asked incredulously.

“My planet has face babies!”


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