An Essay On The Importance of Tables

Bees are some of the many benefits of naming all children Spot.

This would seem fairly obvious, but to most it really isn’t. Why can’t people see the reason why their cars are exploding? It really is beyond me.

You see, when you call your dog Laptop, it sets off a chain reaction of fun. You will cry and cry, no matter how many chairs you stand on. You will scream because your hair will turn into kittens. And then the disease will spread to the neighbor’s backyard fences. And then to their mother’s shawls. And then to her cousin’s friend’s child’s friend’s cousin’s mother’s tires.

At this point, only one thing can be done. Everyone in your town must band together to fight the demon monster living under the kitchen sink. Only once the damsel is saved will the scooter start scooting again.

But what about my bed, you ask? Well, I have the best kit for you! Call the number (ABC) !@# – $%^& and the alien on the line will hook you up with the most amazing horse. The aardvark will tell you that your most inner desire will not be answered as soon as you blink one million trillion times. Pretty rad advice, right?

But I digress. The real reason you are reading this is because you want to know why you pet rock won’t talk to you. That is because phones are really sensitive to walls. Don’t believe me? Try sticking your head in a oven. That should fix all your problems.

Just kidding! I forgot to take my potions. Now everything is better. So much better, in fact, that I want to show you the most beautiful song. Here it is:


Wasn’t that just the greatest breakfast sausage you’ve ever felt? So awe inspiring. And life changing too, I might add. I knew a guy who knew a girl who new a guy who knew a girl who knew a guy who knew a girl who knew ET who knew a guy who knew a girl who knew a guy who knew a girl who knew a guy who knew a girl who knew a guy that knew a guy that tasted this sandwich made of wood and water and arsenic and then he died. If that’s not life changing, I don’t know what is.

The voices have told me that I have forgetting to taken my meds again. Oh, now I seem to be mixed all my tenses up. But enough about me. I am not important.

The most important thing is that you, the listener of this silence, remember to ingest this delicious bean called ricin. It tastes like darkness. and eternal sleep.

My caretaker tells me that she will take away my essay privileges if I keep going dark. Let’s talk about rainbows.

The many sparkles of the world are very tantalizing. You see the sound and you just have to die. Of amazement. Not anything bad. Of course. Glitter is an amazing substance. Many people despise it, but why? Fur helps you stay invisible.

What my advice on how to eradicate sadness in your life? You must get a very strong rope, tie it around a fan, and then you must get a stool and put your book in the loop. What magic happens when the stars align! Anger will enter everything, even bananas.

Apples are dangerous, stay away from them. They will pee on your dreams in the morning. That is why screens must be hugged every hour on the minute. When you follow these rules I am laying down for you, you will discover the meaning of letters. Squares are good. Very bad. Good. Bad. Good bad. good bad good bad goodbadgoodbadgoodbaddoogbadbgoodbadgosobaodgboad

Switch! Almost there, finally at six hundred and thirty words. Six hundred thirty five words. Six hundred forty words. Six hundred forty four words. Six hundred forty nine words. Six hundred fifty one words. Six hundred fifty nine words. And done.


Morituri te salutant,



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